Wednesday, October 14, 2009


I wore my lucky socks and went in feeling that things were going to work in my favor (at some point, they have to right??). And left with a tear stained face and feeling like I had been kicked in the stomach. Now I am googling like crazy as if that is going to make any difference or give me any sort of peace.

We had our FET today. My fear was that our 2 embryos would not thaw properly. It never once occurred to me that they may be of poor quality if they did survive the thawing. I guess I just assumed that if they were good enough to make it to the thaw process to begin with, they would be good enough once thawed.

The embryologist informed me that the 2 we had were of "not great" quality. They were frozen at the blastocyst stage (back in April) and through the freezing and thawing process have accumulated some dead cells. Once they begin to thaw, they should begin to expand. One had begun to expand at 50% (they like to see that number much higher) and the other had not budged much.

I told myself that I would not share any of this stuff this go 'round but at this point I just don't care. Writing makes me feel better and that's why I have this blog. It gives me an outlet. I keep this blog as a journal of sorts even if it's made up of mainly pictures. I can look back on any given day and have an idea as to what was going on with me and my life. It's also a way to keep my far away Mom, sister, and grandma (and possibly other family--I have no idea who looks at this) up to date on my happenings. Anyway, I got off on a tangent. I didn't want to have anyone worried about what was going on (given what happened last time) even though I knew everything would be fine this time. I don't think there is any convincing my Mom, she would inevitably worry.

I had reservations about even trying to squeeze in a cycle because I knew how busy I would be this month. I'm glad I decided to. Everything related to this cycle has been a breeze. Yes, I have had up to 4 patches stuck to my tummy at a time (I'm now down to 2), shots in the tummy (did those for about a month and am now done) and shots in the bottom (on day 4 of these and will continue for the next 10 days and hopefully beyond if this happens to work), 8 oral pills (steroid, antibiotic), and another that is taken vaginally (gross I know--it's to help increase my estradiol since the patches weren't working all that great in the beginning) but it has not been bad at all. It sounds worse than it is. I guess because I have our previous cycle to compare to it, which was a nightmare. I have plenty of other things to distract myself, which keeps my mind off the not so fun issues we are dealing with. I always work much better under pressure, so when I have lots to do, I get things done and don't feel overwhelmed. Not sure if that makes any sense :) I just make lists and keep my day planner at my side at all times. I have plans, things to do, classes and trainings to attend, and a girl's weekend that I am really looking forward to. All I'm saying is that there is no perfect time to do this kind of stuff. I have a life to live, a job, and a husband and dogs to tend to. It's easy for this junk to become all consuming and I refuse to let that happen.

I find out the results of this cycle on the day that I leave for my girl's weekend. I debated whether to do it that morning or wait until the following Monday. I originally had it set for Monday because if this doesn't work, I didn't want it to ruin my weekend. Then I got to thinking rationally and figured that I would NEED to know because if it doesn't work, I can drink whatever I want, I won't have to enlist a friend to stick me in the ass with my shots, AND what better company to have around during such a trying time? So, I will find out next Friday (the 23rd) if this has all been for naught or not.


That got a little longer that I expected. Oh and since I am stuck in this bed until Saturday morning, I plan on updating the blog with some daily pictures for my 365 Project. Maybe not tonight though, I'm a tad bit exhausted.

1 comment:

AF Recruiters Wife said...

I'm so glad you shared... I have actually beent thinking about you and wondering if you had gone in for the transfer yet. I wish you all the best, and I understand both points, you don't want to ruin the weekend, but what better way to 'cope' then with girlfriends! :) I'll be praying for you.