I have a knot in my throat. I feel sad, sick to my stomach, pissed, frustrated, and about a million other emotions all rolled into one. It's hard to even put into words how much this hurts and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
This wasn’t meant to be I suppose. I have had absolutely no signs that this would work, so I guess that is a plus. A little cramping, but nothing major. God was good to me. He gave me nothing to read into and get my hopes up and He knew I would have a supportive group of people around me this weekend.
It’s hard to not feel responsible when something like this happens (or doesn’t happen, depending on how you look at it). It’s completely my fault, not Jevon’s. It’s all me. And that makes me sad. There is absolutely nothing he can do to make this better or worse. He does his part and is supportive of me and that is enough. I can’t help but feel like I am failing him, though.
I guess it’s only natural to think about the things I should (or shouldn’t) have done differently. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten that massage last weekend. Apparently this releases bad toxins and then those toxins attack the embryo. Hmm. Good to know. The massage was awesome though.
Or maybe I shouldn’t have gotten my nails filled or that pedicure. Inhaling the fumes could not have been good, right? However, this new OPI Suede polish is really pretty. It looks great on my nails and my toes! Or maybe I shouldn’t have gotten my hair colored on Wednesday? In my defense, I did specifically ask the nurse about this and she said it was fine. Guess I am safe there! Or what about that pumpkin spice cappuccino I drank last weekend? Caffeine is a no-no and I wasn’t thinking (obviously). It was very yummy, by the way.
Maybe I should have eaten more organically and drank more water. Maybe I should have avoided picking up Scout or taking hot showers. Maybe, maybe, maybe…
OR it could be very simple. The embryos just plain sucked (just like the embryologist said, except he was a lil’ more eloquent than that) and nothing I could have done would have changed that.
That’s all I’ve got. I’m on my way to hang out with 3 of my favorite people.
Have a great weekend and I’ll be home Sunday with lots of pictures!