Wow.

3/10/10 (4w6d)-A couple of days ago, Susan told me she had lost 13 pounds. 13! And I had only lost 5. In almost 1 month—5 measly pounds. I am 10 or 11 days late, ta-tas are sore, quite a bit of low back pain, lightheadedness, metallic taste in my mouth, and I am bloated. 4 nights ago I laid down to go to bed and my heart rate would not slow. My blood pressure was fine, I was picturing myself somewhere nice, and it was still racing. None of this added up. My period has been late before and showed up as soon as the thought even crept in my mind that maybe this month would be it!

So, today I got to Big Spring 30 minutes early and decided to buy a test at Dollar Tree. I never buy tests. I quit buying pee sticks a long time ago. Even when we went through in vitro and everything else, I refused to pee on a stick because as long as I never saw just one line, it meant there was still hope. But, today I did and I don’t know why. I grabbed a cup from the break room and then headed to the bathroom, preparing myself all the while and just being thankful I paid $1 and not $14 for this little stick.

No sooner than I squirted 4 drops, 2 lines show up. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. I grabbed the box and made sure my eyes were not deceiving me. I tore the box open and looked on the inside to make sure those directions matched the directions on the back. I double checked again to make sure 2 lines indeed meant ‘pregnant’. And there they were—2 pink lines as dark as could be. I checked again and again (and again).

I sent Jevon a text real quick that said “omg call me now.” And he did. And he said “that’s good!!” And then in his next breath said, “Does that mean we get to kick Nutrisystem?!” I had all these creative things planned on how I was going to tell him when/if this day arrived and had envisioned in my head of how this would all unfold and well, that went out the door in a split second. He got a text--how cute and creative! I called the Dr. and left a message because oh my goodness I never expected this. After this, I had to sit through a 2 hour meeting (don’t even ask me what it was about because I don’t have a clue). I stopped by Wal-Mart on my way home and bought 4 more tests-different brands. When I walked up to the counter to check out, the lady grabbed her microphone and said, “I need a price check” and then laughed. What a comedian.

I got home and did the other 4 tests. 2 had errors (too much urine or something) and the other 2 were positive. I’ve checked them I don’t know how many times just to make sure. I keep waiting for “SIKE” to show up in small letters and the lines to disappear.

(Yeah I peed on those and took a picture AND posted it. Sue me.)

After 2 years of trying all sorts of stuff, sticking myself with shots (and Jevon sticking me with shots), many many tears, an impending surgery, and $25,000 later—this happens. Never in my wildest dreams. I am still in shock. I am excited, relieved, nervous, scared, hopeful, uncertain, in disbelief, and a million other things all rolled into one. Mostly shock. It still hasn’t sunk in (probably won’t for awhile).

3/11/10 (5w)- I had orders to get my blood work done this morning just to confirm that what I saw yesterday was indeed what I thought it was. And it was. My beta HCG level was 3,180. Last time I went through this, my level never got over 230. The nurse is guessing that I am around 6 weeks. She scheduled me to have blood work again on Monday to make sure my HCG is rising.
I want to shout from the rooftops how thrilled I am, but I know better. I am completely aware that this can be ripped from me at any given moment. It has before and I was heartbroken. I don’t know what I will do if that happens again.

The next 4 days are going to be the longest.days.of.my.life.

3/15/10 (5w4d)- I went in for my blood work at 8:30 this morning. This time my diagnosis said ‘pregnancy’. Last year when I went through all this mess, the diagnosis was always ‘threatened abortion’. I was so relieved to see ‘pregnancy’. I don’t know why, I just was.

Last Thursday the nurse called me with my results within 2 hours. Today, 7 hours had passed and I still had not heard anything. I was preparing myself for the worst and convincing myself that my level had dropped and that the Dr. needed to review my results and that she was busy and they would get to me at the end of the day. I finally grew a pair and decided to just call. Imagine my relief when the nurse said, “I’ve been waiting for them to come in and I keep checking but they haven’t sent it yet. “ Big sigh. I gave her the hospital number and waited an hour and 15 minutes for her to call me back. I always try to read her voice, but I never can. She just said, “It went up to 9,356!” I wasn’t really prepared to hear her say that. I had my list in front of me of questions to ask about what to do next (discontinue progesterone, will I have to have a D&C, could I go ahead and go through with the surgery I am scheduled for, etc.). BUT, I didn’t have to ask her any of that. I had no questions written down to ask her if she had good news for me because I did not prepare myself for that.

So, I am now scheduled for my first ultrasound on 3/22/10. A whole week away. I am trying not to stress or worry about the what-ifs and live in this moment and embrace the fact that I am indeed pregnant as of today and just enjoy it.

3/22/10 (6w4d)- I threw up twice last night. I convinced myself that it was due to Perez’ Tamales that I had at Trade Days. Not a good idea. My appointment was at 10:30 and we didn’t go back until close to 11:20. My nerves were shot. I had prepared myself for the worst and expected to see an empty sack and to just be thankful that this cycle only cost us $90. No sooner than she had the ultrasound going, I saw the little flutter and my eyes started to tear up. The Dr. said, “There’s the heartbeat—do you see it?!?!” I think I was in shock. Again, I hadn’t prepared myself for GOOD news and was just at a loss for words. Dr. P was even able to tell which ovary produced the egg (she said the left one gets the gold star). She typed “HI MOMMY AND DADDY” on the screen and we left the office with 3 pictures of our little sprout, which by the way is the size of half a sunflower seed (7mm). We were informed that we should see a “gummy bear” next time.

It was such an amazing thing to watch the heartbeat. 125 beats per minute and I am measuring at 6 weeks 4 days with a due date of November 11th. Dr. P said that once a heartbeat is detected, there is an 80% chance of a live birth. I am scheduled again for April 9th and 19th for ultrasounds (if everything looks good at those appointments, the percentage goes up to 97%) and will then be released to my OB/GYN.

I am content, I am at peace and I am relieved at this point. I am still in a little bit of shock, but I feel a little bit of weight has been lifted off me and that I can relax and get a little excited.

3/23/10 (6w5d)- I woke up last night to a bloody nose. Ew. I’m still not convinced I have another human being growing inside me. Other than being tired, I haven’t felt bad at all. I know I should knock on wood, but I almost want to feel SOMETHING so that it makes this all a little more real. I told Jevon that yesterday ranked up there with the day David Copperfield made me disappear and when I met Matchbox Twenty and when I graduated from college and of course our wedding day. There are lots of other special days, but yesterday was just surreal.

4/9/10 (9w1d)- We had our second ultrasound today and got to see and hear the heartbeat. 185 bpm and the little critter was moving around quite a bit (I told Jevon that it was doing the Macarena or was just saying, “Feed me Cattle Barron!”—which it got later, by the way). It was the neatest thing to see. It’s amazing to me that so much has changed in the 18 days since our last ultrasound. You can make out the head, body, arms and legs. I was in awe. I think Jevon was, too. I’m unable to put into words how today felt. It was a relief and just an awesome experience. It became more real to me.

I am scheduled for another ultrasound with my RE on 4/19/10 and unfortunately Jevon will be living the NASCAR dream (again) and won’t be able to go with me. That will also be my “graduation day” and I will be released to my OB. I am scheduled for a Nuchal Translucency (NT) Scan on 4/28/10 to assess the risk of Downs and other chromosomal abnormalities. Really though, I decided to have it so I could have another opportunity to see our little sprout (or Peanut, Miracle, or Gilbert depending on who you are talking to).

I still have not had any morning/day sickness. I feel tired a lot, but that’s about it. No complaints from me! You know what though? At this point I could have my head in a toilet and probably still have a smile on my face. If it means me being pregnant, I will gladly take it over the alternative.